Some people wonder why women and men in violent relationships do not just leave the relationship. This question can be answered in two ways.

Leaving Is Not Simple

One response would be that there are many reasons why leaving may not be so simple during the relationship. For many, the violence did not begin until a year into the relationship. O'Leary and colleagues (1989) found that of men with a violent history prior to marriage, 51% were violent within the first 18 months of marriage. Similarly, Merrill and Wolfe (2000) found that for the gay men they sampled from abusive relationships, 79% reported there was no violence within the first three months, and 46% reported no violence within the first 12 months. Thus, for about half the victims of domestic abuse, the violence was a surprise, and not an incident they realized would be the start of an abusive pattern (56%). Many felt that they had invested strongly in the relationship and owed it to their partner to "stick it out" in support of their partner (31%), and maintained hope that their partner would get help and could change (75%). This sense of obligation and hope is why many husbands and wives stay with their spouses despite illness, substance abuse, and even martial affairs.

Further, part of "The Cycle of Violence" entails an abusive episode, followed by regret and guilt on the part of the abuser and a "honeymoon" period. Of Merrill and Wolfe's (2000) sample, 73% reported a honeymoon period after the violence. Thus, many victims see true regret and guilt on the part of the batterer with promises to change, and actually see some change for a short time, and thus agree to stay in the relationship because of this. However, slowly the tension builds again and the abuser eventually becomes violent.

For other victims, financial dependence, fears of violence if they leave, fears of violence after they leave, or fears the abuser will, in desperation, harm or kill himself are common. For other victims, the abuser's behaviors may have significantly isolated them from family and friends, leaving them with little support to leave the relationship.

They Do Leave

Another response would be that victims do leave. Herbert and colleagues (1991) found that two-thirds of the women they interviewed who had been in abusive relationships did leave. Similarly, Merill and Wolfe (2000) found that 90% of the gay men they sampled from abusive relationships had left their abusive partners, with 46% having left a relationship of two years or more in length. Of note, 60% reported making three or more "significant attempts" to leave before being able to escape the relationship. A full 58% rated the continued harassment of their ex-partner after the end of the relationship as moderate to severe.

This is consistent with abuse and violence in straight relationships. Riggs et al (2000) report that the United States Department of Justice reported that statistics from 1998 indicated that incidents of abuse against women were three times higher after the divorce from an abuser.

Similarly, Davis and Frieze (2000), in their review of the literature on stalking, reported that 62% of young adults had experienced some stalking by an ex-partner. They note that physical and psychological abuse in the relationship, as well as substance abuse by the batterer, were strongly associated to stalking when the relationship was over, and women abused in the relationship were twice as likely to report being afraid of the stalker. One study they cite (Tjaden and Thoennes, 1998) noted that of women who were stalked, 68% felt less safe after the breakup than before, and 45% began carrying something to protect themselves. They also found that 81% of women stalked by ex-husbands were physically assaulted, and 31% were sexually assaulted.

Thus, in short, leaving often does not end the violence.